Jan 1st 2015

The Joy of Endings

As the end of the year approaches, we reflect on the past year and make resolutions for the one ahead, celebrating the transition between old and new. Unfortunately, our typical attitude toward endings -- whether of relationships or careers -- is much less sanguine. We all want the movie-style "happy ending" of getting married or landing a dream job. However life doesn't roll its credits after those high notes, and when careers or families don't endure, we don't break out the champagne and party hats. Instead, we believe that these endings are devastating failures. Often we feel that we are failures as well, and the ensuing anguish discourages us from taking on new challenges and robs us of zest for life.

Growing up, we treat endings as a natural part of life. Graduating from high school, moving out of our childhood homes, and graduating college, all entail leaving behind a comfortable environment in which we've been successful for the challenges of the unknown. Nonetheless we view them as positive changes.

However, between childhood and adulthood, there's a radical shift in our beliefs about the value of change. We impose on ourselves a standard of life-long stability in our intimate relationships, marriages, homes, and careers. We undertake strenuous, sometimes depleting, efforts to ensure continuity.

But as any parent, Buddhist, or biologist will tell you, life is continuous change. Besides death and taxes, change is the one thing we can all count on. We develop and change over the course of our lives, reaching different stages, developing different perspectives, and becoming different physically, intellectually and emotionally.

Dread of change is also, unintentionally, a rejection of progress. If nothing ever changes, then it can't -- and we can't -- get better. When continuity is the primary focus of our serious investments of energy, self-control and brain power, our own development is often overlooked.

Hopefully, like children advancing grade to grade, we learn enough from these investments to prepare us well for the next stage in our lives, as friends, lovers, parents and workers. Instead of assuming that we have failed or been rejected when a career or intimate relationship ends, perhaps we should consider that we are graduating. Each of these challenges offers both losses and gains, not the least of which is the (often unacknowledged) pleasure of freedom.

Perhaps, the boss or lover who pushes us (one way or another) out into the world, should be embraced as a liberator, or mentor to whom we are grateful, instead of the focus of our fury. After all, they taught us well, even when what we learned includes that the job or relationship that we loved and hoped might last is no longer right for us.

And sometimes the most important change we can make is to extricate ourselves from a bad situation like a terrible job, an abusive or oppressive relationship, or a one-way friendship. Still, even these offer important lessons about what to avoid in the future, and our own courage to escape and stand on our own. Instead of feeling guilt at "abandoning" our 'bad' partner or boss, we could realize that we are providing them with an invaluable lesson about the consequences of treating others badly, hopefully, laying the groundwork for their growth and progress as well.

None of us owe -- or can provide -- anyone with stability forever. The fact that we are constantly changing, precludes that possibility. As Herbert Spencer observed long ago, "A living thing is distinguished from a dead thing by the multiplicity of the changes at any moment taking place in it." Even if we stay in a particular job or relationship for decades, the reality of it on the inside is entirely different than it was decades earlier. Perhaps what we do owe one another is a modification of Dan Savage's "campsite rule": strive to leave your workplace, child, friend, or lover in better shape than you found them.

While endings can be excruciating, and a long-term relationship or job shouldn't be abandoned lightly, the fact is that many endings are likely to be part of our lives whether we will it or no. We can embrace the inevitability of change that is life, or despair of it. We can see ourselves as graduates of the school of life, or as victims who are prey to trauma, depression and despair. We understand that a diet of failure discourages children from learning, but fail to apply that wisdom to ourselves as adults.

Rather than feeling deflated and defeated by the passing of any stage in life, we might better direct our energy to the challenges before us. As with each New Year, every major life transition should be a time to think about what we have gained and celebrate our progress. As we ring in the New Year, perhaps we should resolve to embrace the endings in our lives, if not with joy, at least with grace, humor, and most of all, gratitude.

This article first appeared in The Huffington Post, posted here with the kind permission of the author. For the original article, please click here.

Dr. Ruth Bettelheim has practiced as a psychotherapist for over 20 years and executive/life coach for 10. In addition to her successful private practice, she has held numerous consulting and academic positions.

She is a writer and lecturer whose work has appeared in The New York Times, USA Today, Family Mediation Quarterly, and Greater Good. She contributes regularly to The Huffington Post.

Her personal interests are varied. Among them are art, architecture, media, music, theater, understanding cultures around the world, neuroscience, social policy and social sciences.

She has undergraduate and advanced degrees from the University of Chicago and UCLA in psychology, educational psychology, comparative education and social work and received further training from leading psychoanalysts and psychiatrists including her father, Bruno Bettelheim and "Analysts to the stars" Gerald Aronson and Milton Wexler.

Coaching services are provided in Los Angeles, New York, and Honolulu.

Prior positions include:

  • Over 20 years of adult, child, marital and family psychotherapy practice
  • Mental health consultant for numerous private schools for normal, gifted, and learning-impaired children, as well as for Operation Head Start.
  • Assistant Professor appointments teaching developmental psychology at The Claremont Graduate School, The California School for Professional Psychology, and The Center for Early Education.

For Dr. Ruth Bettelheim's web site, please click here.

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